Since August of 2012, I have been on Vyvanse for focus issues and Mirtazapine for my depression. About two weeks ago, I told my psychiatrist I wished to ditch these two medications, leaving only Lamotrigine for mood stabilization. I've been medicated since age fourteen, but I have never been as heavily medicated as I have been this past year.
For the purpose of this post, I'm ignoring Lamotrigine.
I went on Mirtazapine first. No more issues sleeping, as taking this pill before bed knocked me right out. It made me hungry. Ravenous. My stomach was a bottomless pit and I always wanted to eat. I gained about ten pounds when I first started taking it. I was hungry and tired, but I wasn't as depressed.
Shortly after, I began Vyvanse. This pill, similar to Adderall and crystal meth, woke me up completely, eliminating all drowsiness and allowing me to sit at my desk and work for hours without losing focus or needing to eat. My grades skyrocketed. My sophomore year of depression and rebellion consisted of C's and D's, and the first quarter of my junior year, I came through with all A's and two B's.
So, in short, I was sleeping well, I was happier, I was making the grades, I was managing my time, I was keeping my world tidy, I was eating but consuming an acceptable amount of food, I was living the dream as a well-oiled human machine.
There were a few moments this past year when I broke down over the feeling of being imprisoned in a rigid structure. So I upped my dosage, and miraculously, I went back to being a well-oiled human machine.
Two weeks ago, however, I cut Vyvanse and Mirtzazapine out of my life, cold turkey. Painful withdrawal aside, it's safe to say my room appears to be post-natural disaster, I'm hardly achieving anything "productive", and I feel different. It started to occur to me the last month or so on these meds, but today, it's hitting me like a brick wall.
Productive vs. unproductive. Motivated vs. unmotivated. Enthusiastic vs. unenthusiastic. Organized vs. disorganized. Left-brained vs. right-brained. Being heavily medicated has shown me two different Emmas, and two weeks being the original Emma have left me thinking.
I was given medication because I was sad and I couldn't focus. I was given medication to be made into a productive member of society, conducive to the values of the masses, and perhaps ignorant to my own. The past year has been Employee Training Day for my minimum wage job of being a 21st-century human being, and medication has been my uniform.
I've built a future over the course of this past year. This year, I've been working for SAT scores and for grades. This year, I've been rigorously investigating colleges and I've been seeking out good drama programs because that's what I want to do, right? I want to be an actor. I've always wanted to be an actor, and this year, I was driven to put in the work to set up the opportunity to study drama at a prestigious institution.
Two weeks off of two medications and I'm completely disillusioned.
What do I want? Why do I want? Why do I care? What do I care? These are questions that were inhibited by a constant flow in my grey matter of lisdexamfetamine and mirtazapine.
September 2012
Q: Do I want to do this work?
A: Yes. I need to do this work. I need to do this work because of future ramifications. I will do this work through a certain process, and it will be done by a certain time. And then I might even have time to write in my journal! But probably not.
June 2013
Q: Do I want to do this work?
A: What work? Oh... nah.
Yeah... nah.
So what do I do now? I'll go draw something. I'll go play video games. I'll listen to good music. I'll write something meaningful. I'll go on a walk. I'll go swim laps. I'll take a moment to consider the world around me.
What don't I do? I don't think about the future. I don't do much work outside of my job. I don't organize things. I don't think as logically as I once did. I pay more attention to my emotions and less to my obligations.
There are key questions to this issue, methinks:
1. Which is more important?
2. Which is more true to myself?
It's laughable that in society, everyone will automatically realize the answers to those questions, and to boot, the answers to those questions will undoubtedly be polar opposites. It's absolutely laughable.
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