F*#% You, Pharma

Here's to a newly lightly-medicated me. Here's to change, here's to differences. Here's to a mid-life crisis at age seventeen.

Since August of 2012, I have been on Vyvanse for focus issues and Mirtazapine for my depression. About two weeks ago, I told my psychiatrist I wished to ditch these two medications, leaving only Lamotrigine for mood stabilization. I've been medicated since age fourteen, but I have never been as heavily medicated as I have been this past year.

For the purpose of this post, I'm ignoring Lamotrigine.

I went on Mirtazapine first. No more issues sleeping, as taking this pill before bed knocked me right out. It made me hungry. Ravenous. My stomach was a bottomless pit and I always wanted to eat. I gained about ten pounds when I first started taking it. I was hungry and tired, but I wasn't as depressed.

Shortly after, I began Vyvanse. This pill, similar to Adderall and crystal meth, woke me up completely, eliminating all drowsiness and allowing me to sit at my desk and work for hours without losing focus or needing to eat. My grades skyrocketed. My sophomore year of depression and rebellion consisted of C's and D's, and the first quarter of my junior year, I came through with all A's and two B's.

So, in short, I was sleeping well, I was happier, I was making the grades, I was managing my time, I was keeping my world tidy, I was eating but consuming an acceptable amount of food, I was living the dream as a well-oiled human machine.

There were a few moments this past year when I broke down over the feeling of being imprisoned in a rigid structure. So I upped my dosage, and miraculously, I went back to being a well-oiled human machine.

Two weeks ago, however, I cut Vyvanse and Mirtzazapine out of my life, cold turkey. Painful withdrawal aside, it's safe to say my room appears to be post-natural disaster, I'm hardly achieving anything "productive", and I feel different. It started to occur to me the last month or so on these meds, but today, it's hitting me like a brick wall.

Productive vs. unproductive. Motivated vs. unmotivated. Enthusiastic vs. unenthusiastic. Organized vs. disorganized. Left-brained vs. right-brained. Being heavily medicated has shown me two different Emmas, and two weeks being the original Emma have left me thinking.

I was given medication because I was sad and I couldn't focus. I was given medication to be made into a productive member of society, conducive to the values of the masses, and perhaps ignorant to my own. The past year has been Employee Training Day for my minimum wage job of being a 21st-century human being, and medication has been my uniform.

I've built a future over the course of this past year. This year, I've been working for SAT scores and for grades. This year, I've been rigorously investigating colleges and I've been seeking out good drama programs because that's what I want to do, right? I want to be an actor. I've always wanted to be an actor, and this year, I was driven to put in the work to set up the opportunity to study drama at a prestigious institution.

Two weeks off of two medications and I'm completely disillusioned.

What do I want? Why do I want? Why do I care? What do I care? These are questions that were inhibited by a constant flow in my grey matter of lisdexamfetamine and mirtazapine.

September 2012

Q: Do I want to do this work?

A: Yes. I need to do this work. I need to do this work because of future ramifications. I will do this work through a certain process, and it will be done by a certain time. And then I might even have time to write in my journal! But probably not.

June 2013

Q: Do I want to do this work?

A: What work? Oh... nah.

Yeah... nah. 

So what do I do now? I'll go draw something. I'll go play video games. I'll listen to good music. I'll write something meaningful. I'll go on a walk. I'll go swim laps. I'll take a moment to consider the world around me.

What don't I do? I don't think about the future. I don't do much work outside of my job. I don't organize things. I don't think as logically as I once did. I pay more attention to my emotions and less to my obligations.

There are key questions to this issue, methinks:

1. Which is more important?

2. Which is more true to myself?

It's laughable that in society, everyone will automatically realize the answers to those questions, and to boot, the answers to those questions will undoubtedly be polar opposites. It's absolutely laughable.

Special, Self-Hating, Screwed-Over Snowflakes

As an opening that contradicts the title of this post, my junior year has gone much better than my sophomore year. 

I guess I hit my medication stew on the head for once, because when September rolled around, I was organized, hardworking, dedicated, and most of all, inspired. This year I took AP classes for the first time - two of them - and to begin with, they were going well. I remember thinking how proud I was of myself for handling my academics so well in comparison to my sophomore year, when I rebelled against everything academia and harbored a secret self-hatred because I wasn't meeting society's standards. This year I started meeting society's standards. I juggled theatre, AP work, my personal demons, a relationship, my job, and tried to maintain some form of a social life. As one could conclude from my lack of blog posts this year in comparison to last, I've been busy. Busy being "productive", I guess.

But I can welcome back that self-hatred now.

Maybe it's because that medication stew isn't working anymore. Maybe it's because I'm burnt out. Or maybe it's just because the demons I stuffed away in a drawer can't stay there anymore; maybe I can't continue ignoring the cracks in my foundation. It's probably all of those things, to an extent.

Here we go: I've never been able to stand answering to other people or justifying myself. I don't make excuses for who I am. I won't. I shouldn't have to tell them why I am the way that I am; all that matters is that I am, and that should be accepted. Once they accept that I am, they'll have a chance at understanding why I do the things I do. But the truth is that the only reason anyone would ever try to understand the things I do is if he or she had a problem with them, and that problem would inhibit him or her from accepting that I am. They can't accept me because they don't understand me, they can't understand me because they don't accept me.

Maybe I don't want to work the way society wants me to. Actually, maybe I can't. How many studies now have proven that humans don't all operate in a uniform manner? For that matter, many times have we, as members of this society, been told that we're a "special snowflake"; an individual? How many different ways has it been broadcasted that you should "be yourself"? 

Funny, how blatantly contradictory our society is; how it doesn't even notice it's own double-messages.

You're an individual. You're so special, there is no one like you! Be yourself, and love yourself for being different! But here's a template. Fit it. Your brain should be able to work this way. You should be able to operate in an academic environment; you should be able to handle this rigor to the point that we can stamp an "A" on your little individualistic forehead and hand you the same diploma every other special snowflake is getting.

This is what we're fed. The American Dream: find your way, make your dreams come true the same way as everyone else. All I've gathered from The American Dream is that every child should be numb and bitter by the age of fourteen. But maybe that's just me.

The real kicker of this entire subject, for me, is that as much as I criticize our society, as much as I realize how wrong it is, as much as I tell myself I'm okay for not fitting the template, I still can't shake the idea that maybe I'm the wrong one.

It's my fault I'm struggling. It's my fault that I can't meet the standards of my teacher, my guidance counselor, my advisor, my therapist, my parents, my peers. It's my fault that I'm not able to juggle theatre, AP work, my personal demons, a relationship, my job, and maintain some form of a social life. "Other people can do it," the voice in my head tells me. "Why the fuck can't you?"

I collapse under stress. My fault. I come to class unprepared because I can't get my shit together. My fault. I'm inherently right-brained. My fault. Even though I'll sweep the writing and reading portions of the SAT like I've done it two million times, I'll probably fall too short on my math score, prompting the colleges to say, "your fault."

Yeah, I hate answering to other people, but that seems to be all I do recently. 

This is why I think this. This is why I feel this. This is why I made this decision. This is why I'm acting this way. This is why I can't handle that. This is why I can't meet your standards; this is why I don't want to.

Because I think differently. Because I feel differently. Because I operate differently. Because I have my own priorities. Because I hurt. Because I'm breaking down. Because I'm not fucking like you. Because I fucking can't be.

And I guess I'm just not strong enough. I guess I'm not strong enough to handle the things society, and everyone else, thinks I should. I'm not strong enough not to write this post. And that's my fault.

I'm strong in a different way; my strengths lie in different places. My strengths lie in functional relationships, knowledge of reality, empathy, sympathy, priority. I'm strong when it comes to feeling things, understanding abstractions, and expressing myself. But who's measuring any of that in this society? No one. I don't have what's being measured. And that's my fault.

I just wish society would be honest. Either tell us we're special and our individualism should be cherished, cater to our individualism, and don't expect us all to operate the same way, or openly expect us to operate the same way. Don't pretend that what makes us special matters and then let us fall down hard and break our bones on the realization that it doesn't matter for shit. Tell us from the beginning. The former is idealistic. The latter is more likely, and is the option that breeds just as much self-hatred as the mix of the two that we have currently. I guess it all breeds self-hatred because according to this society, I just deserve to hate myself. Because it's my fault.

So I guess that's it, then. Society says we're special and should be true to ourselves, but then tells us exactly why we shouldn't be special. I've been told that I'm "blessed" with the "special gift" of insight, of personal voice, of abstract and philosophical evaluation. But that blessed gift doesn't have a place in the mold into which I am expected to fit. Tell me; if I'm so fucking "blessed", why do I have to change myself to look appealing to colleges? Why can't my blessed ass get the 4.0 that I want, or even cope, emotionally and mentally, with what this system hands me? Where will that fucking blessing be when I go in to take my SATs and completely bomb the math section? Where will that fucking blessing be when I'm 30, discontented, drinking alone and wishing I could have made myself what I wanted to be in this society?

It won't matter. I won't matter. I don't matter. And I guess that's my fault because society told me so.

What I Seek in a Figurehead

Before I go on, I have to acknowledge the fact that I am 16 years old. I cannot vote in today's election. But that has not stopped me from doing research on the 2012 candidates and solidifying my preference, something of which we are all capable. I may not have a vote in the 2012 Election, but that does not mean by any stretch that I do not have a voice. I have a voice, and it will be used to advocate as long as I see fit.

That being said, there are several things I want to be represented in a President. I want someone who stands for the true, diverse image of the American people. I firmly believe nothing should be denied of a human being simply because of his or her sexual orientation, and I don’t fancy having someone internationally representing my country that does not believe in this fairness. Both of these points speak to my views on equal opportunity. I believe in giving each American citizen proper health, proper education, and ultimately, the ability to do amazing things if he or she so pleases; and I understand that those struggling have a face. They have a story. There is no single category under which to place those who are less fortunate in one way or another. The only fair generalization to be made is that they all deserve help. And finally, as an point encompassing all of the above, I want to present the United States to the world as collected, compassionate, and constant; and frankly, I cannot understand why any American would want the world to see his or her country as anything less.

And it is because of all of the above points that I am eager to support Barack Obama. At the start of the campaign, I only favored Obama because he represented nearly everything I seek in a President and have enjoyed for his first term. But as the election drew closer, I found a new reason to support him: Mitt Romney represents everything I do not want in a President. If he were to be our leader, he would show the world the elements of America in which I do not take pride. I do not want to be associated with his temperament, his ethics, or politics (rather, lack of such.) And these are the instances that solidified that opinion.

It is clear that he defines America as white and affluent.

In a “secret” video released from a private fundraising event, Romney acknowledges his father George’s time living in Mexico with his parents, Mitt’s grandparents.

“…Had [my father] been born of Mexican parents, I’d have a better shot at winning this ... But he was unfortunately born to Americans living in Mexico. He lived there for a number of years. I mean, I say that jokingly, but it would be helpful to be Latino.”

Although I could initiate the useless argument regarding him “joking” about other races having a better chance in politics, what really got me was “Americans living in Mexico.” He began the statement with “Latino” – a race. Naturally he would acknowledge his family’s race as Caucasian, right? In his mind, that’s exactly what he did. “Americans.” Because he associates the Caucasian race and the term “Americans,” like many others do, when they should not. At least 20% of our population today is not white. In the 21^st century, there is no reason to associate America with one race, subconsciously or otherwise.

He categorizes 100% the “47%” of Americans who seek government assistance as one big, lazy, freeloading entity.

In the same video, Romney speaks about the 47% of the American population who will be supporting Obama.

“All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe that government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what... My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”

I have a problem with this, first of all, because he has decided that every single person seeking government assistance is lazy and dependent on government because he or she simply does not feel like working. People like that definitely exist, but can you possibly believe that every American on welfare is on welfare because they want to be? Of course. In Romney’s mind, and the minds of many others, there is no struggle. There is the money to pay for a car to travel to and from a job. There is the money for the day care to watch the small children while their parent works. This money exists no matter what, naturally! Anyone who receives money from the government is using it to freeload, not to complete any of the practical tasks necessary to his or her pathway to success!

My other problem with this is that he has decided it is his job “not to worry about those people.” First of all, as President, it IS your job to care about “those people," and you should probably label them as constituents while you’re at it. In what America is it acceptable for a leader to disregard “47%” of the citizens he is supposed to be leading? Interesting how those worried about Obama somehow becoming a dictator will vote for Romney and completely ignore the fact that he is eager to disregard half of America’s population, in turn disregarding their wants and their voices as Americans. What does a dictator do, again?

He has rigorously taken action against the rights of same-sex parents.

We have known from the start that Romney does not support gays. Fine, that's old news. The issue, however, is that it recently emerged that as governor of Massachusetts, he consistently demeaned the rights of families with same-sex parents. When gay marriage was legalized in Massachusetts in 2003, the next logical step was to make birth certificates of children born to same-sex couples accurate by officially relabeling the box for "Father" as "Father or Second Parent." The Registry of Vital Records & Statistics needed to keep accurate records of children and their parents, and if the child did not have a traditional "Father," the old birth certificate template would not serve its purpose. Romney "rejected the Registry of Vital Records plan and insisted that his top legal staff individually review the circumstances of every birth to same-sex parents. Only after winning approval from Romney’s lawyers could hospital officials and town clerks across the state be permitted to cross out by hand the word “father’’ on individual birth certificates, and then write in 'second parent,' in ink." I say Romney's action was rigorous and consistent because "the practice of requiring high-level legal review continued for the rest of Romney’s term, despite a warning from a Department of Public Health lawyer who said such a system placed the children of same-sex parents at an unfair disadvantage." 

If we want to argue constitutionality about Obama's policies, why don't we look at the way Romney follows rules?  Peggy Weisenberg, the deputy general counsel of the Registry department, told Mark Nielsen of Romney's general counsel that "crossouts and handwritten alterations constituted 'violations of existing statutes' and harmed 'the integrity of the vital record-keeping system' ... The changes also would impair law enforcement and security efforts in a post-9/11 world, she said, and children with altered certificates would be likely to 'encounter [difficulties] later in life . . . as they try to register for school, or apply for a passport or a driver’s license, or enlist in the military, or register to vote.'"

So what's the point? Romney's need to campaign against same-sex parents accomplished nothing. It broke rules, it made things inconvenient for the office, and it gave those children a disadvantage in the world. What I see here is a man who will be blinded by his hatred enough to continue inconveniencing and disrespecting everyone around him. We need someone as President who is open-minded, who compromises, and who understands how to differentiate his own interests from those of the constituents.

His platform is inconsistent.

People don't gain nicknames like "Flip Flop Mitt" for no reason. Obama may have changed his views on gay marriage since 1996, but he has admitted that he "struggles with" the issue, and then finally came out in support of gay rights. That is why we call his changing views an "evolution." Mitt, however, jumps from one end of the spectrum to another based on his present company. He has done this on nearly every issue: abortion, women's health, budget and economy, civil rights, education, foreign policy, you name it. If we cannot count on our leader to keep his own platform at least somewhat consistent, how can we count on him to cater to the people's interests, or to keep any national stance as something tangible?

And finally, he responds horribly when he is challenged.

In an Iowa radio interview, Romney defends his Mormon religion. I'm not sure why we use the word "defense" because that implies that there was an original opposition from the interviewer, Jan Mikelson, who is not agreeing or disagreeing and looks like he was simply trying to continue the dialogue. 

Politicians like to interrupt each other. As we saw in the Presidential Debate, Romney continually interrupted not only Obama but the moderator as well. No one likes to be interrupted, but he does not respond well to it. Each time, in several different settings, he demands that the interruptor let him finish instead of responding calmly.

What I see here is a very hot-headed man with few interpersonal skills. What I see here is a man who has directly disrespected fellow citizens. If he does that to his constituents, what will he do to foreign leaders and their citizens? I surely do not want to see him interrupting Prime Minister David Cameron and then insisting that he "let him finish." I surely do not want the world to see America as the entitled nation that talks over everyone else.

Romney does not fit any of my ideal criteria for President of the United States. He defines America as affluent and Caucasian and will continue to illustrate the "traditional American" image that is no longer accurate in 2012. He is eager to disregard half of America's population, and has made it clear that he does not care about them. He inconveniences those around him by catering to his own views and interests. He is inconsistent. He changes his views based on who he is speaking to, and he is hot-headed. 

I am a 16-year-old United States citizen and I do not want Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, or South America to see Mitt Romney as America. I want a figurehead that represents the American values of which I am proud. If the American image is one of exclusivity, apathy, inconsistency and disrespect, I no longer wish to be associated with it.

Fighting the Warrior Within

Yesterday I had past life regression done.

I sat down in an empty room above Breathe Books in Hampden at a table that was too short for its chairs, and allowed a woman I had never met to connect to my "higher self" and tell me what she saw. Within minutes of sitting down, she told me I was a Crystal Child, which I have been told before, but I haven't been called one in years. (Crystal Children are essentially old souls with kind, forgiving natures.) She said I was very special and that the angels in the room thanked me for being there, because I was "raising the vibrations."

Regardless, she asked me if I'd like to focus on figuring out anything in particular, and I mentioned my anxiety. I've had horrible anxiety since I can remember and I have always wanted to know why. So she connected to my higher self and told me that although we all have hundreds of past lives, I have more than most, and more than 40 of my past lives are contributing to my anxiety.

Lovely.

She read four of my past lives by the end of the session. In each, I was a woman. In each, I was a warrior. Apparently it's strange for someone to be consistently reincarnated as the same gender, but she told me that this was most likely just what my higher self wanted me to see at this point in time.

Even stranger than always being reincarnated as a woman was always ending up as a warrior. Only in one of the four lives did I live in a culture where women were expected to fight (coincidentally, that was the only life in which I did not enjoy battle.) She told me that there is a spiritual theory that states that within all of us, there are 12 archetypes, one of mine being the warrior archetype. Warrior archetypes are naturally inclined to behave as such. They will find battles to fight, and their actions are motivated by their defensive nature.

Whether or not you believe in reincarnation and the like, this makes a lot of sense. I am a ridiculously defensive person. I can never tell when someone is making a joke; I take everything far too seriously, including myself. I'm very opinionated and although I've become more relaxed and open-minded over the years, I'm quick to defend my views. Most definitively, I am independent and self-reliant. Perhaps it's a mix of past-life baggage and present-life experience that has led me to be so disinclined to trust anyone besides myself, but it is the way I am. It's the way many people are.

However, anyone who shares that trait will understand the setbacks that come along with it. Being your own warrior is fantastic; it's empowering, it's reliable, it's something you can depend on. Being on the defense 24/7 protects you. What else protects you? Walls. Barriers. Distance. As a warrior, the only thing you cannot battle is your loneliness.

I like the warrior nestled within my higher self. That warrior has gotten me places. That warrior has helped me overcome many obstacles. We have each others' backs.

Unfortunately, that's all we have. Each other.

Native Tourism

"I feel like a tourist in my own life. 
Everything has changed but me. If I had told myself a few months ago that I would be dating Jeremy right now ... and disliking my home life and being tired of theatre... I wouldn't have believed any of it ... I can feel the people around me judging me. Everything around me is changing, I know I'm still Emma. I am still in this wretched town but people have come and gone, people have changed and so have expectations. People look at me like I'm the foreigner, more than they did before. I have always been relatively outcast by the majority, but this isn't the same... I don't even know how to describe it. It's like I'm in a production - consistent setting, consistent roles, and a consistent character for me. The issue is that the actors have changed. Almost like the structure has remained but the actors have interpreted the text differently and have different subtext and character choices while I'm the same. The dynamic has changed. Under those circumstances I would have to tweak my own character... but does that still stand in this real-life situation? I like who I am and I'm making the choices that I see fit, but that would hypothetically be the same with a character. Seems that drawing parallels isn't doing a damn thing to help me figure my shit out. 
If everything is changing but the setting... perhaps it's time to change that too."
5/17/12


Change has been a big theme in my life recently and this journal entry is a good description for how it makes me feel, even though it's almost a month old at this point.


I still haven't figured this out, but I've been been floating with the tides. No point in resisting change. Resistance to change inevitably leads to disappointment and frustration while being flexible to it opens new doors in life. 


I'd rather open curious doors than sit in the corner and sulk.

Changes

"10:40AM. Seniors are walking around outside because they just had their graduation rehearsal. I have a weird feeling in my chest and upper stomach that I can only describe as a reaction to change. It's a bit of excitement, a touch of confusion... but the knowledge that this change is necessary. I wanted this change. I wanted this year to end and I would be miserable if it didn't... but... I don't know. People are passing out of my life. Time is passing. Change is an odd thing."


Pieces have been cut from this next section for my privacy:


"Ten months ago I was head over heels with infatuation for a man ... I was hating myself over things I couldn't control, like the year I was born and the personality I developed in earnest. I was staunchly straight edge. (insert name here) was just a Facebook friend and Jeremy Ruth was but a distant memory. Autumn was an acquaintance, meanwhile, I was completely anti-social and harbored disdain for my peers. I ate like shit but dressed like a queen every day of my life ... I had no idea what true, dark, deep depression was like. Crying was just starting to increase in frequency and I had very little skill in controlling my emotions. I was heading full speed towards a dead end. I was only subconsciously aware of the fact that everything was going to fall apart.


How would I describe my current position? I'm a young girl with scars ... and a heart that is just beginning to straighten itself out. My hormones are running rampant. I am dating a punk-ass 18-year-old with the softest and sweetest heart I have ever known ... I'm undoubtedly meant to be with him at this time and I've felt that way since I met him nearly a year and a half ago. I am feeling a way I have never felt before. I'm full of hope for this summer and for my fragile emotional condition. I have fantastic friends and a stable friendly and a lot of people who care for me. That man ... is hardly an entity in my life at this point and I like it that way. It seems that my life is on the ascension right now and I hope it continues." 5/25/12


For purposes of clarification:
The "man" mentioned is referred to here.
The story of Jeremy Ruth (the "punk-ass 18-year-old") and I is here.
Autumn is one of my closest friends and I don't know how I would have gotten through this year without her. She's a truly beautiful human being and so full of light.


Things are okay. I've been exercising to strengthen my body and practicing loving thoughts to strengthen my emotional state. I have learned to appreciate given circumstances. I've been listening to a lot of uplifting and deep music (check out Incubus's album If Not Now, When? Honestly one of the most brilliant albums in existence, absolutely flawless) and that practice in itself does wonders. Like I mentioned in the above journal entry, summer looks promising. I don't have plans other than to get as many hours in at work as possible, break out my German Rosetta Stone, enjoy the company of those I love, and relax. I don't doubt that I deserve it, because this year has kicked me in the teeth repeatedly and I've been lying on the ground in my own pool of blood for too long. Recuperation is necessary.


I feel strong. I've removed many of the toxicities present in my life, I've been teaching myself not to stress over things out of my control, and I've learned to be thankful. I believe in enlightenment. Enlightenment yields strength. My strength right now is the belief in myself; thus, I have created a nice cycle.


Viva el verano, viva la vida.

To Women and Girls Everywhere (Julie Zeilinger Article)

"Three Reasons Why 'Feminism' Is Not A Dirty Word" by Julie Zeilinger


My fellow teen gals should read and absorb this. Embracing your strength as a woman is one of the best things you can ever do for yourself, and spreading that message of strength is a huge step towards local, national, and even global change. It's a cause worth representing no matter what religion or political party because you are representing yourself and fellow women around the world.


I agree with literally everything Julie says in this article. Yes, being confident in your womanhood will help you get through high school. Yes, sexism is STILL alive and well. If your rights as a gender aren't worth fighting for, I don't know what is.


"For me, feminism is anything but a dirty word: Honestly, I don't know where I'd be right now without it."


Where would we be without feminism?


We would be in floor length skirts, condemned to be homemakers, and constantly disrespected by the husband we were forced to marry.


Research into global sexism will give you a good idea as to how far feminism has to go. If you aren't motivated to do that much, you don't have to look far; there is sexism right in your backyard with the white male Republicans who are aiming to eradicate the woman's choices regarding her reproductive health. 


Who has the right to tell us we are less? No one. Will they continue to attempt to limit our rights unless we assert ourselves as a strong group? Yes.


You know the saying "grow some balls," meaning to toughen up? Well, I think that phrase should rather be something like "get a vagina," or perhaps "grow some ovaries." Our reproductive system can take a beating like no other.


We are women, we are strong, we are one.