Native Tourism

"I feel like a tourist in my own life. 
Everything has changed but me. If I had told myself a few months ago that I would be dating Jeremy right now ... and disliking my home life and being tired of theatre... I wouldn't have believed any of it ... I can feel the people around me judging me. Everything around me is changing, I know I'm still Emma. I am still in this wretched town but people have come and gone, people have changed and so have expectations. People look at me like I'm the foreigner, more than they did before. I have always been relatively outcast by the majority, but this isn't the same... I don't even know how to describe it. It's like I'm in a production - consistent setting, consistent roles, and a consistent character for me. The issue is that the actors have changed. Almost like the structure has remained but the actors have interpreted the text differently and have different subtext and character choices while I'm the same. The dynamic has changed. Under those circumstances I would have to tweak my own character... but does that still stand in this real-life situation? I like who I am and I'm making the choices that I see fit, but that would hypothetically be the same with a character. Seems that drawing parallels isn't doing a damn thing to help me figure my shit out. 
If everything is changing but the setting... perhaps it's time to change that too."
5/17/12


Change has been a big theme in my life recently and this journal entry is a good description for how it makes me feel, even though it's almost a month old at this point.


I still haven't figured this out, but I've been been floating with the tides. No point in resisting change. Resistance to change inevitably leads to disappointment and frustration while being flexible to it opens new doors in life. 


I'd rather open curious doors than sit in the corner and sulk.