Gotta Figure This Out: Explanation

Yesterday I posted the lyrics to Gotta Figure This Out by Erin McCarley and bolded the lines that are relevant to my life right now. Here's why:

Erin McCarley - Gotta Figure This Out

“I separated my heart from my head to feel out what’s inside.”

Thinking logically isn’t something that comes naturally to me. I’ve realized over time that it is a necessary element of decision-making, but it takes a conscious effort. Recently, when I’ve had slightly odd feelings, I’ve attempted to see the logical side of things. Why am I really feeling this way? What’s really causing this? Am I drawing conclusions? Rather than relying on my emotions, I ask, what is technically going on here?

Eventually I came to a vague but logical conclusion as to why I felt the way I did – why I feel the way I do. Hormones and situational elements seemed the most valid. Yet, there isn’t a way to stop the way I feel.

“Don’t wake me ‘cause I’m dreamin’ in color. Black and white is not my friend.”

Ever heard the expression “black and white” to describe an opinion or situation? Recently I’ve had situations in my life handled this way, as if it’s some kind of textbook example that isn’t affecting real humans. These decisions were made for me in a tyrannical manner. I had no control in the issue, the issue that was concerning me.

I want society to realize that there isn’t just good and bad, happy and sad, black and white. I want society to recognize the colors in every situation, because they exist. Exceptions are everywhere, and life should never be objective. That simply isn’t the way things work, it’s the way humans work to make things easier on themselves.

“I’ve never been so insecure of what I know.”

Most people I’ve met look down on me due to my age. Apparently, I’m too young to understand, I have too little life experience, I’m only a child, etc. As it has been said by many rebellious and outspoken teens, I do understand. I may not have lived as long as others, but I sure as hell understand.

But do I? When so many people tell me that I’m ignorant, I begin to believe it to the extent that it isn’t just grounding, it’s destructive. I question everything that I am and everything that I have allowed to define me. My brain continues to play devil’s advocate and confuse the hell out of me.

“Gotta figure it out, I need a story to tell.”

It would suck beyond belief if this was where the tale ended, with a sad separation and pathetic pining. I don’t want to let it go. It must be fixed. Maybe not now, maybe years from now, but wouldn’t that only make the story more interesting?

“Where’s the feeling I long for?”

I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. I could be now, but I’m not quick to throw that word around without being sure. Recently I’ve been feeling extremely affectionate. I have to consciously resist urges to hug and hold tightly to someone. My feelings are welled up simply because I cannot afford to be vulnerable, but occasionally, I slip up. I crave intimacy, and I involuntarily aim to create it. I honestly just want to feel something other than emotional pain.

“I gotta figure it out before I lose you, love.”

I have feelings for someone who is perpetually slipping through my fingers and out of my reach. The days are going by, the months are going by, and before one can catch it, there goes a year of our life without each other. It’s driving me insane. This feels like the most urgent thing in the world, and it’s up to me to initiate it. It may not be that way, but hey, that’s what my instincts are telling me. I feel as though I am running out of time, when in reality my timer has hardly even started.

“Big city streets are calling me loud.”

I was raised in the country, but I’m a city girl at heart. City nightlife makes me absurdly happy and it always has since I was young. Every trip to New York, or even to nearby Baltimore City, was the greatest excitement. The beautiful lights and buildings bigger than the trees in my backyard – That’s what I wanted to see. Now I look at the city and I see people having a fabulous adulthood. I see theatre, I see concerts, I see clubs, I see happy people. Obviously there is more to adulthood than the associated nightlife, but at my age, I can’t have that. I feel as though it is something in which I’m meant to participate. I’m not a party girl per say, going out at night is just exhilarating to me. On top of that, the majority of theatre work occurs in the evening. I believe it’s the best time of day in all aspects.

“This quiet town is wearing me down tonight.”

Reisterstown, Maryland is the worst place for an aspiring person like me. The main components of our town are marijuana, gossip, mullets, and broken down consignment shops. We lie perpendicular to Glyndon, a very small, posh community where backstabbing is the most popular hobby. The blonde Catholic families live in large Victorian homes with white picket fences, and prance on down to the community pool every Saturday during the summer.

I’m destined to be somewhere much better. The people in Reisterstown have the mentalities of vultures and they enjoy it. I can’t be around any of them because it degrades and exhausts me. They’re all so in the dark, and they don’t care to see the light. I can’t help them, so I simply choose not to acknowledge them.

“I can’t hold you close, or give you hope that this will be alright.”

Naturally when we have feelings for someone, we want to make everything okay for them. That’s simply the nature of love, even familial love.

This is a very challenging need to fulfill when one cannot get too close to the object of affection. In my case, I cannot know what has gone wrong or right, because in all reality it isn’t any of my business. Personal inquiries are out of the question. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is, and I haven’t the slightest idea how to change it.

“I want to make it right.”

As mentioned earlier, this circumstance that I have been caught in has – for lack of a better expression – fucked up a lot of things that were once important to me. I want to remedy it, but just as with many other things, I do not know how I would go about doing so. I’m cornered, and the only choice right now is to sit instead of to fight.