A Conflicting Day of Theatrical Thoughts

"I'm so frustrated... My theatre work hasn't hit a wall. It's as if the world has just opened up and I am falling in to an endless abyss with nothing to hold on to. The world is suddenly so big and somehow, I know I won't make it. Nothing is concrete anymore. I suddenly don't know anything about theatre or about myself. I feel so small, and I have no idea why. Do I even have a purpose anymore?" 12/21/11, approx. 8:20AM


At this moment I felt empty. In class, we were discussing what we would like to improve on in the coming weeks, and I feebly said, "My physicality, and removing myself completely from the character." It is so difficult to put my artistic goals into words.


I explained the feelings above to my instructor, Mark, and he said, "That's a great place to be." 


Um... what?


Tears were forming in my eyes as I said, "It's a terrible place to be." I was truly scared. What the hell is happening to me? I thought. If I lose my last solace, I don't know what I will do. 


"No, it's a great place to be," he repeated. 


He explained that this free-falling was beneficial because it would create exhilaration and would lead me to experiment more with my work, which has been a necessary course of action for quite a while. I have been so obsessed with precision and perfection of my pieces that I hold back newer, stronger choices, which inhibits the very thing I want to do: grow.


"I just performed my Electra monologue and pretty much threw everything out the window and just went with my impulses. I wasn't hindering my voice or physicality, I just let everything fly. Harrison said that the new choice really worked. He wants me to keep it, and even asked me to take it a bit further in some aspects." 12/21/11, approx. 1:30PM 


It felt so good to simply let go. Let go of that need for perfection, let go of that expectation, let go of any preconceived notions. I literally slumped down to the floor and portrayed Electra nearly going mad over the news of her brother's death. My vocal life seemed to go in every direction, and my physicality felt sloppy, but I trust that it was fine from an outside eye. 


It definitely needs to be worked or refined, but I'm glad I made that choice today. The weak walls that I have built over the past few years are finally being torn down, and the cavalry of my inspiration is storming through without hesitation.