That seems to be the root of everything recently, and I can't say I appreciate that.
As we were driving home, my mother mentioned it by saying, "You know if you maintain the grade point average you have now, you'll probably end up with no more than two college choices?"
I know this, and as foolish as it may sound, I don't really mind. I responded with "I'm content as long as I'm getting a theatre education." I'm sure that is what I want to pursue in life, so what exactly would be the point of wasting my time with anything else? She says, "This rebellious attitude is really only hurting you," but it isn't a rebellious attitude, it is a personal choice.
I'm not simply narrow-minded... I'll try anything once. I tried math and couldn't stand it. I tried chemistry and I couldn't stand it. My brain simply isn't made that way, and I'm not going to push it. I'm doing what I'm made for; thought expression, philosophy, and art. It's been said that all of us must push through the things that make us unhappy, but why? Who is to say that our happiness shouldn't come first?
The conversation with my mother carried on as such, and I finally made the comment "I'm sick of trying to fit the system. The system exists for me, not vice versa. I'll do what intellectually benefits me. That's the purpose of education." Hell, I'm learning about the stock market on my own time, I'm trained in CPR and AED, I speak conversational Spanish. I've been around the world and met people of all kinds. I'm not unintelligent, I'm simply uninterested in this area of information.
I occasionally get a pang in my heart while thinking of these things. Maybe I could do better, maybe I could be proud of my accomplishments, maybe I could actually make something of myself... Maybe I'm worth something. These days it is so difficult to tell.
Everything is a huge, jumbled mess. I hardly have room to think anymore. This stress has reached a point where I would like nothing more than to jump in a hole and never emerge again. I simply cannot handle these things.
When I was younger I imagined I would have made something of myself by now. If present-day Emma met five-year-old Emma... God, I don't even want to think about the disappointment that would breed. Perhaps I have high expectations, but at this moment, I'm nothing more to myself than a fuck-up.
Just a suggestion that was brought to me by my mother: Of course College is the gateway to many important things, but when it comes down to it, what you know is more important than what College you go to. She told me that maybe College is too structured for me, and that maybe I should just study what I need on my own. Of course, this is just one person's opinion, but I feel that it's important to keep open to all choices.
ReplyDeleteExpecting to be something bigger than you are is natural, but being content with what you are is necessary. It's natural to have ambition, but if you fail at that goal, the world won't be over. It's better just to strive to make yourself happy. Only then can you be disappointed in yourself. If your happy, then you have all the time in the world to do what you want, because even though we might not be at the top of our game, we're happy with ourselves. Don't be angry with yourself just because a grade on a report card says something. Albert Einstein was a 'failure' when it comes to grades, but he is also one of the most scientifically influential men in the history of mankind, aside from Issac Newton. In shorter terms, grades don't mean as much as you think they do, and college doesn't mean as much as most people think it does. Just try to be happy :) When your 45 and having a heart attack(hypothetically), you won't be thinking, "THANK GOODNESS I GOT MY MASTERS!", you'll think, "THANK GOODNESS I DID WHAT I WANTED TO DO IN LIFE!". I see my dad go to work and come back worn out everyday because he was told that if he wasn't a lawyer, he would get no where in life. He always tells me today, "DJ, Always do what you want to do in life, because if you want to do it, you'll do it well, and if you do it well, people will notice, and when they notice, people will come to you, and when they come to you, they'll come with their money :D". Moral of the story: Do what you want to do, and be happy :D.
Sorry 'bout the length, I just thought you need some encouragement. Hope you feel better :D
-DJ