Intellectual Inadequacy

I feel like a failure. Why? Because I can't understand my chemistry homework.


I know many would say, "That's a juvenile reason to feel like a failure" but I disagree. In a society that implies the youth should know everything, these things can get a bit personal.


Let's start from the beginning. I'm extremely right-brained. The only left-brained quality I possess is organization, which I have attributed to my use of anti-depressants. I have never been skilled in mathematics or science (with the exception of eighth grade, because I had the most incredible science teacher). These subjects caused extreme frustration because many things came naturally to me, but these did not. I have a vivid memory of entering the lunch line in first grade, sobbing, and having the lunch lady ask me what was wrong. I was crying because I had to go to math class after lunch. Pitying me, she gave me a free package of Curious George fruit snacks. I still cried for the entirety of lunch, and I wasn't a child that cried much in public. In fact, all the instances I can remember crying in school were caused by academic frustration.


I still haven't learned how to properly handle this frustration. As strong as I am, someone could put a trigonometry packet in front of me, add a certain amount of pressure to do well, and I am reduced to tears. Simply thinking about that right now is getting me watery-eyed. 


That "certain amount of pressure to do well" comes from my parents. Not even a few moments ago, they entered my room and informed me that if I do not get my shit together in school, we won't be celebrating Christmas this year. This doesn't make my task any easier. I am not resisting the work because I'm lazy, I am resisting the work because I cannot wrap my brain around it. I wasn't meant to function that way. I don't see why the public school system believes all students should be able to. We aren't all going to become chemists or engineers, some of us are bound to become the actors, the artists, even the trash collectors. 


So what's the point?