It feels good to be blogging again.
I'm currently partaking in this activity called "vacation" which typically involves relaxation, but as I have been sleeping on an uncomfortable pull-out couch with a menstrual teenager, relaxation doesn't seem to be an option.
A few days ago I was checking out the local mall just for kicks. I went into a store that had various tee shirts of 90s groups displayed in the windows and started browsing through the women's shirts which, as I have learned from dipping my feet in the Hot Topic culture, are just slightly less masculine tee shirts usually with some hue of pink incorporated. Nevertheless, I came across an Offspring tee that I liked and went to the counter to pay for it. I don't usually pay in plastic, but I had no cash on me, so I handed the tattooed cashier the Visa. I like to make eye contact with those serving me as to not seem arrogant or ungrateful, because I do appreciate what they're doing, so I glanced at him. I think he had a pierced eyebrow, but he had kind green eyes and was moderately attractive. He advanced from "moderately attractive" to "attractive" when he looked at me, smiled tentatively and said "Offspring. One of my favorites." I smiled back, but naturally, all I could say was "Yeah." Keep in mind... I haven't paid with a card in a while. I don't really remember what to do. He hands me a pen to sign the receipt. Right, I have to do that. But where is the receipt? Oh, it's there. The strangely lengthy piece of paper being printed from the register. I tore it off as he handed me... my receipt. I was confused but signed it without hesitation. The cashier then smirked at me and said, "Do you want to keep that long piece of paper or what?" Still confused, trying to remain composed, I blankly stated, "I guess not." He snickered a bit and said, "That's everyone's purchases from the day. I was, like, wondering what you were doing." I gave a little half-laugh, exchanged goodnights and walked out, all the way thinking, "What just happened?" I'd like to compare it to a naive puppy being let out of its kennel, not having a clue what it is doing in this strange new realm. And probably ending up nervously peeing on the carpet.
Within the same theme, I have a male friend who is four years my senior. We talk mainly about philosophy and existentialism, sometimes even launching into full-blown debates. He is intelligent, he is talented, he has a good sense of humor. Yeah, he's attractive. I've had feelings for him on-and-off since the summertime, but that isn't my purpose in writing this. He makes me feel insecure, insignificant, and unimportant. I don't think I feel this way based on anything he's done, but rather the way I've interpreted things he's done. I've only felt this gnawing insecurity with a male once before, and I ended up dating said male for a while, which unfortunately crashed and burned in a gruesome manner due to this feeling of insecurity. This feeling that I cannot even place is an issue in my relationships, but I haven't the slightest idea how to remove it. It isn't similar to the former situation because in that case, I was in uncharted territory. In this case, I am familiar with these waters, so why would I be feeling so uncertain?
I have another male in my life that I have also had feelings for, and when in the moment, that insecurity doesn't taint the relationship in any way. Although he is most definitely out of my league, it is all smooth sailing. I feel rejuvenated and meaningful after a conversation with this man, as if everything that was once wrong is suddenly a nonissue.
I don't know why my reactions to these relationships differ so much. They are both dangerous territory in different aspects, but fundamentally, they're the same concept.
A few days ago, after a sigh-worthy conversation with Philosophical-Debatey Male, I muttered to my mother, "Guys are annoying." She gave me a high-five and responded with "Finally, she understands!"
I suppose I'll be dealing with this issue for a while.
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