SOS

I don't know how to organize my thoughts today.

I'm feeling so many things at once that when an explanation is attempted, the thoughts escape as an ineloquent string of words. I can't stand having days like this, because the only way these emotions can find their freedom is through words. Right now I think I may explode.

Most people in my life are talking at me instead of talking to me. I continue to hear what I should be doing, what I need to be doing, and what would be stupid of me to do. I don't need to hear what is wrong with the way I live right now. I need someone to see my problems for what they are, and sympathetically assist me. The constant judgment isn't necessary. It is what it is.

My theatre work has reached a standstill, in my opinion. I don't know what the hell I should do to improve, which I'd like more than anything. I want to get better. Being "good" only gets one so far.

I need guidance or some form of support. I need someone I know and trust to reach out and honestly say "I understand how you feel, and this is how to make it easier on yourself." I'm struggling emotionally and it has nearly reached a boiling point. 

My school work is suffering and I'm beginning to think that I'll never attend a college or get a theatre education. My mother approached me today and said, "While we were in Giant earlier, I couldn't stop looking at the slightly overweight cashier and thinking that could be you." Yeah, of course it could be. It most likely will be. I've already fucked up most of my life, why not just dash the rest of it? Who cares anymore?

I feel like I can never do anything correctly, like I never meet the standards of others. Hell, I don't even meet my own standards. 

I just need someone to help me out of this rut. I'm finding it so difficult to continue being strong on my own.